I dreaded the night like a child afraid of the dark. As the darkness of the night crept in, my fear of death overpowered my mind and I was afraid to close my eyes. Would tonight be the night where I would breathe my last breath?
Was I ready to meet my savior?
Why am I so afraid to let go?
I was down to eighty-something pounds and I felt my spirit growing dim. I prayed breath prayers and pleas to G-d to spare my life, or at least take the fear from my slow beating heart.
I had watched my daughter and my son die. I couldn’t help but wonder what they must have felt in their final moments here on earth. I remember staring at them as I helplessly watched their chest rise and fall for the last time.
Now it seemed as if it would be my turn. I didn’t want my kids to watch me wither away. Yet, I wanted to be with the ones that I loved and have the images of their faces forever branded in my soul for all of eternity.
It was a battle of the mind as well as in my body. Each day the enemy would throw fiery arrows of, “No one cares anymore. You are a burden. You are worthless. You being gone would be a relief. You don’t matter. You. Are. Finished,” the enemy hissed.
Every time I believed the vile lies he whispered, the sicker I got.
I tried hard to read scripture to combat the lies, but at that time I was too weak to read. I could barely concentrate on basic conversations. The Lord sent people around us who would pray or call and check up on me.
One person had told my husband to put on Christian music and to play it 24/7. He said that praise music could help combat the depression. So my husband turned it on about four years ago, and it’s still on almost every single day.
I found myself weeping as the words of the songs came alive and soothed my soul.
Daily I listened to Joyce Meyer and Robert Morris (Gateway Church). I couldn’t get enough. Joyce Meyer shared many times over, about our messes becoming our message and our tests becoming our testimony.
I remember each time as she spoke these simple but true sayings, my heart would leap. I wasn’t sure how my mess would ever be a message for G-d, but I wanted to walk these words out.
Often I think we get caught up in the idea of feeling worthy enough. We find ourselves asking, “Who would care about something in my life? How in the world would it impact others?”
Sure, we see the amazing people who do big things with big names and we stand back in awe to think, I could never do that. But those people aren’t amazing because of what they do. Rather, it’s the light of our Father that makes them so entrancing.
That same light can shine through you.
You see, we have to remember that it’s not our light that we lend to the world, it is His. Anything good in this world, whether people believe it or not, comes from G-d. He is always moving in unique and amazing ways and He flows through even the harshest of situations to send hope.
I don’t know where you are in your life. Maybe you are at the end of your rope and you feel utterly trapped. Whether it be because of the loss of a loved one, your own health, finances, relationships, or your dreams… Know that G-d can take your broken life and transform it into something much greater than you could comprehend.
I know it seems hopeless right now. You feel like your life has shattered like pieces of glass, broken and dangerous.
broken and dangerous.
I get that.
Some of my favorite pieces of art are mosaics. I love the ones where they take something that at one time had been a flawless but fragile piece of glass/pottery. It was broken and then carefully arranged into a brand new creation. Instead of it being one delicate piece, there are thousands of different facets, depths, and textures that are revealed. It’s more detailed and carefully pieced together.
I imagine the Lord to be holding each of our shattered messes that are broken beyond recognition, sitting at His stool leaning over and piecing the fragments of our lives together in a whole new piece of beauty.
We are going to fall down a lot during our lifetime. Father G-d is always there with his hand stretched forth waiting to help you back up.
I can tell you in my darkest hours, it was my loved ones who had experienced great suffering that encouraged me to keep on going. They made sure that I didn’t have to fight alone. Their survival reminded me that G-d can redeem anyone.
You too can be an inspiration to others. Whatever you have gone through or are going through, know that your suffering isn’t a waste. Ask G-d to redeem your broken life and keep praying in faith that your story isn’t over. Know that He can make glory from anyone’s story and one day your hardships may be a lighthouse to a ship about to run into the shore.
Remember, your story is just being written and the best is yet to come.