To My Daughter in Heaven, Who Would You be Today?

It’s been fourteen years since we said hello and goodbye to our first born, a daughter.  She celebrated her earthly birthday on June 21st  just before dawn. We were thrilled to finally meet Aurora but knew time was slipping through our fingers. After an hour and a half, she left for her heavenly birthday.  While she must have rejoiced to be welcomed into the arms of our Heavenly Father, I was weeping. I didn’t want to say goodbye.

The great lie that has been told is that after time passes, you will get over the loss. How you could ever stop missing your child, is beyond me. The lives of those who go on before us, are there to help shape us for events to come.  They help us hang onto the hope of a kingdom we have not experienced yet.

Our children ask more and more questions about her as each year passes.  I do my best to try and answer, but there are some questions that I will never have the answers too.

My youngest daughter has been lamenting not having her big sis. She often gets a bit melancholy when she sees sisters playing together and asks if Aurora would have loved her or if they would have looked alike? Would she have been protective of her?

I try to be real and not make saints out of our children who have passed away. I don’t want my kids here on earth to feel that they can’t measure up to the level of perfection of their siblings in Heaven.  I remind them that they would have had their good days and their bad days. We normally giggle at the thought of made up scenarios of what they might have encountered.

As two of my nephews graduated 8th grade, I found myself wondering where Aurora would be in all of this?

Would she like to have her hair long like her sister, or short like mine? Would there be battles over makeup and skirts being too short? Would she love academics or tumbling around on a gym mat? Would she be honing in on what she would like to do for the rest of her life, or be content with the here and now?

Still after all these years,  I pray to G-d to let me see her in my dreams and just be able to observe what she looks like and to see her smile. Five minutes, just five more minutes…

I miss my daughter, and I always will.

I long to hold her in my arms and just hear his say, “Mom…”

I want more stories to share of what I know about her because so much has been left undone.

Still I often ask G-d, who would she be today?

Would she be sweet like her daddy? Or sassy like her Mom?  Would she boy crazy and loud?  Or would she be a quiet bookworm?

What I do have are the treasured memories of my pregnancy with her and her short time in my arms.

I am so thankful to have priceless photographs that have helped us keep her memory alive.

I am thankful for modern technology notifying us of her terminal status, long before she was born. We were able to get to know her long before she was born and prepare to capture her short time on earth.

Many may think when you die, that your life is over and there isn’t more you can contribute. I have found that love transcends all time and boundaries.  Though she was only here a brief moment in time, she has forever changed my heart and how we look at the sacredness of life that begins in the womb.

As her birthday rapidly approaches, I think about who she would be today and smile with tears. In the natural it seems her life has faded into time, but in Christ, she has begun her endless journey of joy.

I miss her for the selfish reasons of wanting to share her crazy antics of being a fourteen-year-old girl. I miss the hugs and conversations that I wish could have taken place. I miss her presence.

And then I realize she wouldn’t be a girl, she would be a young woman….

Since having our children, we have made sure to make Aurora’s Day, one that was fun and filled with beauty. I think she wouldn’t want me holed up in my room and feeling so sad every time I heard her name.

It’s hard because I do find myself wanting to cry, and sometimes I do. But I know that she would want us to remember her and smile.  She was a gift from G-d, not a burden.

So today I want to share the beautiful pictures that I do have of our sweet Aurora. I want to remind others that life is precious and sacred, no matter how brief the visit is here on earth. She made a difference in our lives for the better.

What we saw as death, she has stepped into the real life of living.

Heaven is our home, and our children are there. We are blessed to be her parents not just here, but for all of eternity.

I came across this amazing song written by Angie Smith called, “I Will Carry You.”

She too had learned early in her pregnancy that her daughter had kidney issues and would not be staying for very long. As I read the words she wrote for her daughter, I felt as though she had ripped the words from my soul.

Till then, as the song says, “I will praise the one who has chosen me to carry you.”



One Insignificant Change Catapults You Into Your Destiny

Often we hear that one good choice can set into motion a ripple effect. Have you ever noticed that one little change can get the ball rolling for a wagon load of joy and hope you would never have expected?

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Sixteen years of memories were on our couches. They were covered in stains from food and sagged so badly, we had to grunt to get ourselves in and out of them. They smelled of years gone by, they were embarrassing to look at and were the bane of my existence.

I have been dealing with chronic head, neck, and back pain for a long time. Each time I meet with a doctor they ask if we have the proper firm seating and mattress. I find myself muttering under my breath, “I am too busy paying you..”

My husband and I have lists of things we need to get and we both agreed a new couch just wasn’t possible. We just wouldn’t have enough and needed to save more.  Happy with our decision we decided to go to the grocery store and forget about couch hunting, when we spotted a furniture sale.

I rolled my eyes, as this place always is having the biggest sale of the year. But, I appeased my husband and got out of the car anyway.

We proceeded to look for charcoal grey couches but just wasn’t finding anything. A woman was lounging on a very spaceship looking white couch. I smiled at her. She still had on her waitress uniform and closed her eyes as she said, “The kids would destroy this thing in minutes.”

I laughed and said, “Who would be stupid enough to buy a white couch with kids? This is a bachelor’s couch.” We both chuckled and went about our way. I looked down at the price and was surprised. I brushed it off and thought only a fool would buy this couch.

As we got into the car, my husband started to talk about the white couch. Being that he rarely says anything about what he likes, I listened to what he had to say.

“Babe, it has neck support. I can’t stop thinking this couch might be awesome for us,” he said.

“It’s white,” I said logically.

“Really, it’s fake leather we could just wipe it down. You could wipe it with a disinfectant wipe! (A man after my own heart) And the price, could you believe it!?”

“Again, it’s white!” I was not budging.

We discussed at length our opinions about who was right.

“Let’s go back and sit on it, and see for yourself.” I reluctantly conceded.

We got back to store and I sat on the stupid white couch. It is horribly modern and we live in a hundred and sixteen-year-old house. We put the shabby, into shabby chic.

I wanted to find anything wrong that I could with it so that we could give up on this crazy find and look for a safe bet. Only when I sat down, it was firm and it had neck support. I felt heaven smile upon us and a choir sang “Hallelujah,” in the sky.

I knew this would be our couch.

I looked down at the price and saw that this would be way less than replacing our two couches. Still, I had to haggle a deal. After much debate, I spoke with the manager and asked them to come down in price with their showroom model of an obviously unwanted white couch.

To my dismay, they said no. Like a good Dave Ramsey family, we walked away.

I prayed for G-d to give me the wisdom about what to do.  I felt I was to be patient and had a peace about it.  I felt I was supposed to call back and give them my number and wait until they brought the price down.

Two days later they called. They offered to finance and I politely declined. I explained what money we had and held my ground. Long story somewhat shortened, we got the couch.

I was thrilled but also sad to see our other couches go. They had been with us before we got married. Brought in fresh with not a stain on them. Now they were worn and battered. Those couches had been with us as we planned our wedding, survived our apartment complex fire, held me during bed rest for two of my pregnancies, cradled me as we wept after the loss of each child, we have raised our kids on them, they comforted me as my body grew sick, frail, to the point of death, and now it was time to let go…

That one insignificant change has catapulted me into moving forward from feeling completely burnt out. I had put down my typewriter and felt like it was time to hang up my dream of being a writer. Not because of the couches, but I just felt stagnant and that one simple change had helped me to look at things with fresh eyes!

Our old house is now having new life breathed into it with paint and changes. What looked mundane and done, now has endless possibilities. Nothing changed, except my perspective.

Yes, it is crazy to have a white couch with young children. However isn’t it just like G-d to take the seemingly impossible and make it possible. How often do we feel like something is just too good for us and that we are going to just mark it up with our tainted hands?

After taking a big break from writing I have found myself believing I can never achieve the dreams that I long for. They are just too far out of my reach and it’s not possible. Who would have thought that G-d would take a white couch to help me realize, it takes is one small step of faith to create a domino effect of his blessings.

I know it’s just a couch and why would that be so life changing? For me it represents risk, rejuvination, and a reminder that G-d listens to my prayers.

I usually hate change, yet it is what helps us take one more step closer to our destiny. It breaks us of fear and opens our eyes to things we haven’t seen before that were there all along.

One insignificant leap…

Take that risk that seems impossible!

Take your dream and pray that G-d would lead you to that next courageous step.

Risk takers are the movers and the shakers of this world and they don’t get anywhere by playing it safe.

What is your dream that seems out of your reach?

Has logic killed your drive?

Life is short,

have faith,

and that white whale can be yours.


What small step can you take to put some wind in your sail?  Pray about it, G-d works in mysterious ways!