I dreaded the night like a child afraid of the dark. As the darkness of the night crept in, my fear of death overpowered my mind and I was afraid to close my eyes. Would tonight be the night where I would breathe my last breath?

Was I ready to meet my savior?

Why am I so afraid to let go?

I was down to eighty-something pounds and I felt my spirit growing dim. I prayed breath prayers and pleas to G-d to spare my life, or at least take the fear from my slow beating heart.

I had watched my daughter and my son die. I couldn’t help but wonder what they must have felt in their final moments here on earth. I remember staring at them as I helplessly watched their chest rise and fall for the last time.

Now it seemed as if it would be my turn. I didn’t want my kids to watch me wither away. Yet, I wanted to be with the ones that I loved and have the images of their faces forever branded in my soul for all of eternity.

It was a battle of the mind as well as in my body. Each day the enemy would throw fiery arrows of, “No one cares anymore. You are a burden. You are worthless. You being gone would be a relief. You don’t matter. You. Are. Finished,” the enemy hissed.

Every time I believed the vile lies he whispered, the sicker I got.

I tried hard to read scripture to combat the lies, but at that time I was too weak to read. I could barely concentrate on basic conversations.  The Lord sent people around us who would pray or call and check up on me.

One person had told my husband to put on Christian music and to play it 24/7. He said that praise music could help combat the depression. So my husband turned it on about four years ago, and it’s still on almost every single day.

I found myself weeping as the words of the songs came alive and soothed my soul.

Daily I listened to Joyce Meyer and Robert Morris (Gateway Church). I couldn’t get enough. Joyce Meyer shared many times over, about our messes becoming our message and our tests becoming our testimony.

I remember each time as she spoke these simple but true sayings, my heart would leap.  I wasn’t sure how my mess would ever be a message for G-d, but I wanted to walk these words out.

Often I think we get caught up in the idea of feeling worthy enough. We find ourselves asking, “Who would care about something in my life? How in the world would it impact others?”

Sure, we see the amazing people who do big things with big names and we stand back in awe to think, I could never do that. But those people aren’t amazing because of what they do. Rather, it’s the light of our Father that makes them so entrancing.

That same light can shine through you.

You see,  we have to remember that it’s not our light that we lend to the world, it is His. Anything good in this world, whether people believe it or not, comes from G-d. He is always moving in unique and amazing ways and He flows through even the harshest of situations to send hope.

I don’t know where you are in your life. Maybe you are at the end of your rope and you feel utterly trapped.  Whether it be because of the loss of a loved one, your own health, finances, relationships, or your dreams…   Know that G-d can take your broken life and transform it into something much greater than you could comprehend.

I know it seems hopeless right now.  You feel like your life has shattered like pieces of glass, broken and dangerous.

broken and dangerous.

I get that.

Some of my favorite pieces of art are mosaics. I love the ones where they take something that at one time had been a flawless but fragile piece of glass/pottery.  It was broken and then carefully arranged into a brand new creation. Instead of it being one delicate piece, there are thousands of different facets, depths, and textures that are revealed. It’s more detailed and carefully pieced together.

I imagine the Lord to be holding each of our shattered messes that are broken beyond recognition, sitting at His stool leaning over and piecing the fragments of our lives together in a whole new piece of beauty.

We are going to fall down a lot during our lifetime. Father G-d is always there with his hand stretched forth waiting to help you back up.

I can tell you in my darkest hours, it was my loved ones who had experienced great suffering that encouraged me to keep on going. They made sure that I didn’t have to fight alone. Their survival reminded me that G-d can redeem anyone.

You too can be an inspiration to others. Whatever you have gone through or are going through, know that your suffering isn’t a waste. Ask G-d to redeem your broken life and keep praying in faith that your story isn’t over.  Know that He can make glory from anyone’s story and one day your hardships may be a lighthouse to a ship about to run into the shore.

Remember, your story is just being written and the best is yet to come.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We all have been there.  It’s a scar that brands the soul. It changes the way we interact in that relationship, permanently.

Betrayal takes many forms, it might be in gossip, a secret, abandonment, and even rejection.

It’s a tricky beast. Once you have been betrayed it sets you out on high alert, because your heart just can’t take the pain of losing trust in someone you love so dearly.

Did you notice I didn’t write love in a past tense?

That’s right, the ones that leave us marred, are those that are not only people we used to love, instead, we still do and always will.

I could list several stories where I have been betrayed. It would be tales of great abandonment and rejection but honestly, I love those people too much to even recant the details.

I could also list when I have been the one that betrayed my loved one. Like many other stories, it would start with a, “I never meant to..”

Most times it was not deliberate, in fact, many times I know it was purely unintentional, but the offense was cast and the more I tried to right the wrong, the more damage occurred.

It goes both ways. I think there are many times where when we just stepped out at the wrong time and to the other person it was rejection.

It’s hard living in a world where offense runs prevalent. Betrayal is often gossiped about but rarely confronted, which breeds contempt.

Why  do we do this to others and ourselves?

My greatest betrayals haven’t been what was said about me, rather it was more what wasn’t said. It’s that wounded elephant in the room that is so painfully obvious that everyone is afraid to send it stampeding.

We cringe at the thought of hurting the ones we love, but sometimes things happen that we just have no way of preparing for and we say or do things that we can’t take back.

This leads me to one of the most infamous betrayers of all time, Judas.

He was one of the twelve disciples and counted in the inner circle of Jesus. He broke bread with Jesus and listened to His words with great intent. Jesus loved him and called him friend and brother.We never hear about all of the good things he did, just his betrayal.

I always wondered what made him betray his mentor, his savior, the one he loved? While we all know it had to happen in some way shape or form, I can’t help but wonder did he grow jealous?

Did he feel abandoned, insecure, or rejected in some way that just got the best of him?

It’s easy to be angry at Judas when we read the story of his betrayal of Jesus. But how often have we done the same?

Maybe we haven’t lead our loved one to physical death or sold them for thirty pieces of silver. Instead, maybe it was the death of a relationship or we sold out our friendship for something we thought would be better?

Maybe we smiled and hugged the person then secretly inside we burned with anger at something we had allowed to penetrate our heart?

Luke 22:3 (NIV) gets straight to the point:

                                             “Then Satan entered Judas, called Iscariot, one of the Twelve.”

It doesn’t say Judas did it on his own, it says Satan entered.

How often have we allowed Satan to enter our hearts when our feelings and thoughts overwhelm us?

Or let’s flip it.

Could these betrayals be a blessing in disguise? Could they help prepare us for our walk in life and teach us remorse, compassion, and controlling our tongue? Or how to withstand the horror as we helplessly watch our reputations become tarnished, with grace and forgiveness?

Maybe it could help us when we are standing in the face of the storm of rejection and abandonment and holding fast to trusting that G-d will reveal truth here on earth? Or maybe we will have to wait for our vindication to come when we stand face to face with our savior?

When we feel betrayed, more times than not we want to lash out for justice or shut down for self-preservation. I have been challenged to see rejection as beneficial. Without the betrayal of Judas, Peter’s denial, or the disciples (his inner circle) of Jesus that feel asleep when he asked them to pray in his hour of need, Jesus might never have been able to do what he came to do, to save us from ourselves and death.

He too felt rejected, abandoned, unworthy, and scarred.

The Bible says to not let the sun go down on our anger, I see why. It just festers and boils with each passing minute and we feel empowered by the anger instead of seeing it for the toxicity that it really is.

Each time that I have been betrayed I have had a part of me die to realize that person isn’t who I thought they were or that I thought I should be.

The truth is, after each betrayal we have a choice. Do we forgive as G-d does and release grace that we so desperately ask for?

Or do we harbor bitterness and hold to what we feel is right, when secretly it is suffocating our very spirit?

It’s a battle we wage at some point or another. To make the right choice often really hurts.

Whereas the wrong choice feels so good, while slowly destroying everything in its path.

What if we take that pain that was meant for evil and choose to bless instead of cursing?

Prayer.

Forgiveness.

Grace.

Freedom.

These simple words transform the way we live each day.

We all will be afflicted by betrayals in our lives. Some worse and harder to forgive than others.  How we respond to these rejections can alter the way we interact with others for the rest of our lives.

The very things that were meant to break us, when we allow G-d to heal and strengthen  to become the person He knows we can be. We can’t do it on our own, but with G-d anything is possible.

Let us lived as Jesus instructed us to and  pray for those who hurt us. May we lay down our hurts and keep on showing the love that we all desire.

Today is a fresh start, let us begin…

 

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