And I Could Not Ask for More…

Have you ever have it  where you are sitting in a moment, and you can almost hear music to a song playing in the forefront of your mind? Certain instruments come to a crescendo and you feel your soul dance with the melody as your bask in the glorious rhythm and it feels so good…

When Seth and I began to date, I heard this song on the radio and I just loved it.  He and I had no similarities in taste of music, but I went on and on about how much I loved it.  I was working in a crisis home for developmentally disabled and violent offenders with sexual tendencies, and to say the least, it was stressful.  As I was leaving one night, I found a CD pinned underneath the windshield wiper.  I had never heard of the man before, so I was bit befuddled.

I ended up calling Seth and he shared with me, that he and his friend Nate had called the radio station to find out the name of the song and singer of my favorite song.  I knew at that moment, he was mine.  I must have played that song a million times and still when I hear it, it takes me to such a beautiful place in my mind.

As summer is winding down, Autumn is gearing up at a heart pounding pace.  I think any Mom with their kids being school age, goes through a myriad of emotions (homeschooled, private, or public) as you realize the stages we have left behind, and overwhelmed by the ones ahead.

I found myself reflecting on this summer with a heart filled to the brim with gratitude to G-d.  He works in such mysterious ways.  The past 4 years with my own health, has been such an uphill battle.  There have been days that I felt my life slipping through my fingers, like sand through an hour glass.  I remember days where I never thought I would be able to walk, drive, or even sit at a table and eat with my family ever again.  Honestly, I felt like G-d had forgotten me.  Or worse, He was ignoring my prayers.

We have gone through so many tumultuous things, we ALL have.  In the thick of the tempestuous storms, you can’t help but wonder, am I going to make it through all of this?  At that moment, an hour seems like an eternity.  The sorrow, the anger, the loneliness seems as though your hands and feet are bound eternally to the ground and your life is going nowhere.

Looking back now, on each instance, I see G-d’s miraculous fingerprints all over my  life.  All those times I was convinced He hadn’t answered my prayers and that He had even, dare I say, forsaken me.  I didn’t get the instantaneous healing.  I didn’t get the face to face encounter with a heavenly being.  I didn’t even get this unending peace that I have so yearned to have.

No, my healing has come in a different form.  G-d has been teaching me the art of patience in an instantaneous society.  I see that he has and still is binding up every single wound that has been inflicted, both oozing and some fully scabbed over.  He has been tending to wounds that have been festering far beneath, that have been silently promoting such toxicity to the very core that even I wasn’t aware. I was sick for so long, in my body and in my spirit.

I would love to tell you I am 100% better, but we live in a fallen world.  What I can tell you is that having to live through my worst nightmares, has made even the most mundane day, seem extraordinary!  As I gathered with family and friends this summer, I kid you not, my heart was just drinking it all in.   It was bliss seeing everyone do their thing, and just sitting back and listening and sharing in the moments.

Family seems a whole lot more meaningful.  It’s beautiful to see each individual person for what they are worth, and how truly priceless they really are.  Money comes and goes.  Status ebbs and flows.  But the love that is there between family and friends, those are true gifts from G-d Himself.

Whatever you are going through in this life, no matter how hard it may seem, G-d loves you.  I know it feels as if you are a tiny boat in a monsoon and the storm is raging. You may feel as though circumstances are tossing you back and forth like a rag doll in the wind.  But I assure you, there is peaceful waters up ahead.  There is the sun just waiting to break through the darkness to shine hope in a hopeless situation.  Hold fast dear one, as the promise that is held for you is more beautiful than any rainbow in the sky.

I write this to you, as a woman who still rides the waves of the high sea.  Yesterday was particularly bumpy.  What I can tell you is to cherish the moments, no matter how big or little they may be, and thank G-d.   He can do abundantly more than all we see, ask, or even think He can do.  We have buried our children, and I almost was buried myself, so know I don’t say these words lightly.

Tonight I got to enjoy a bike ride that I thought I would never be able to take again.  As we peddled with the evening sky bursting with color, I found myself thinking, “I got all I waited for, and I could not ask for more.”

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3 thoughts on “And I Could Not Ask for More…

  1. So eloquently and beautifully put! So much truth to it all. It brought back images of your sick body that had so much pain and lacked any energy whatsoever. I’m so grateful that God have you just enough strength to persevere past that to get healthier again. Happy that you had a lovely evening:) xo

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