Autumn Leaves
Courtesy of Mark Nickerson

Hayrides, apple cider, doughnuts, and running amok in an orchard, bursting with autumn colors!  It’s an image taken straight out of a picture. My kids have been giddy with excitement thinking about this field trip since school started. They made sure to get all their assignments in and waited with great anticipation!

I got dressed in my fall ensemble, complete with a bow. I made sure to get my hair curled up and makeup done with just a bit of sparkle. I was already to go, when I realized, I couldn’t…

I believe each day I am getting better and stronger. The healing is in process. However, I still wrestle every day with low levels of energy. Dealing with health issues is the last thing I expected at my age. Each day I have to try to reserve energy for what is most necessary.  Some days it works, while others..  While I am not where I want to be, I praise G-d that I am not where I was.

The hard part is when it involves letting down your loved ones, especially the kids. I called them in from playing outside and explained I couldn’t go. My son immediately responded, “But you worked so hard to go!”  His green eyes started to water and I could feel my heart sink to see his disappointment.

I went on to explain we had two choices: I could go, but we might have to leave after a short while. Or they could go without me and stay, and make sure that they got to enjoy the full benefits of the fruit of their labor. I adamantly reminded them how hard they had worked and how much I wanted them to experience this long awaited field trip. Just because I couldn’t go, didn’t meant they shouldn’t have fun!

There was a time a few years ago, I would have felt bitter for not being able to go. Now, I feel that the love of Jesus has taught me to truly be happy for others, even when I miss out. I am so thankful to have a husband who willingly jumps in to make sure our kids get to be kids! I am thankful my kids treasure each outing like it’s a trip to Disney World (boy would their minds really be blown)! I am thankful I am alive to get to hear all about their awesome trips and let them relive each detail by their creative minds!

I love that they can’t wait to get home to tell me all about it! What’s even better, is I can’t wait to hear their stories! I get so excited seeing them excited, it’s heaven on earth.

The thing about dealing with a chronic health condition is that it has really helped change my perspective about each day. I celebrate the good ones with great joy at what has been accomplished and given! On the not so good days, I choose to mull over where I used to be and how far G-d has brought me. I relish in the memories of the good days, because they keep me encouraged for what will be again.

I believe G-d is a kind father. He constantly allows me to change and grow from each life lesson. I was a very self focused woman, deeply wounded, and never feeling like I was enough. Now, as each day I take His hand I realize He has more in store for me than I could have ever imagine. I found that I love to give, G-d is healing me, and He makes me want to be more like Him every day. I am enough. Each day that I am forced to stay home, I get to walk out my faith. I can either be angry and offended as the world teaches. Or I can choose to find blessings in the quiet moments that I am allowed to be on this earth.

Life is too short to live in fear, condemnation, and regret. Every day really is a chance to see the beauty in every situation, and know, we are right where we are supposed to be. Whether we get to join in, or just be able to listen and live vicariously through others stories, it’s all so precious.

For me it’s been good to learn how to not be jealous, it’s a useless emotion that is toxic to everything it touches. Instead, I am learning the art of patience and self control and to really love to hear about others and celebrate in their happiness.  After all, this life isn’t about me. Instead, it’s about finding the good and lovely things in the deep valleys, the cracks and crevices of the road, the deep waters, that will lead you to contentment in what is.

Following the ways of Jesus isn’t always easy. I find it has tested me all the more. What I am finding though, is that with each root of fear, bitterness, envy, and heart break that is broken off, He heals.  Not only does He heal, but He transforms the shattered pieces into a beautiful display bringing glory to His name.

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns.  May we lay down the burden of expectations and rest in His promises that He will never leave us, nor forsake us.  Instead He gives us beauty for ashes.