“There are some nights that felt like they would last forever
But you kept me breathing
You were with me right then
And all that you have done for me
I could never hold it in
So here’s to me telling this
story over and over again..”
This song sung by Morgan Harper Nichols has been drumming through my mind for months. Music has a way of soothing my soul and renewing my faith. Through my valleys and mountains, G-d has spoken to me so deeply through music and confirmed some of my greatest desires and healed my greatest fears.
I have wanted to be a writer since I was in second grade. We got to publish our own story and it was thrilling to have my words in laminate, unable to be erased or forgotten. My Grandma Esther read my pathetic ten page story and put the book down. She looked up at me and clutched her chest as if she had just read a New York Times bestseller. She squatted down and said, “You my dear are a writer.” My mind went wild.
You see, I have always been shy and a bit of a wallflower. I was small for my age and we moved a lot. The years faded away and so did my dream.
The older I grew, I recognized that I was easily spooked. I am not talking about being afraid of the dark or heights or deeper fears. I was terrified of death, rejection, and being abandoned. No one ever told me these things. In fact I was a preacher’s kid, so if anyone should have felt confident, you would think it would have been me…
My dad and I would have long talks together and he would always reassure me that there was nothing to worry about. Still I couldn’t let go of the fear.
Since we moved around a lot, I never felt like I belonged. Everyone seemed to have a place. I felt like a nomad, constantly searching for a place to settle and put down my roots.
My love for G-d has been unwavering, however my trust in Him hasn’t been ironclad. I have weathered many storms in my life. With each earth shaking event, it shook and yet strengthen me at the same time.
However, the fear ensued.
I didn’t feel I had any worth and I lost myself to the worries of this world.
I ended up meeting my husband after yet another major move. We fell in love and got married. The pieces were starting to come together, and I was thrilled.
Life didn’t waste anytime, we ended up having children and shockingly they passed away. My nightmares were coming true and it took me to a dreadful place.
No parent should ever have to bury their child, let alone twice…
I felt abandoned by G-d, like I was not worthy of grace and honestly that He was letting me go.
The hardest part is that my valleys were so common, they left me prone to anxiety and depression. It got so bad that I began to have severe health issues to the point I almost lost my life.
Looking back, with each major blow, while I cried and begged for G-d to release the pain or call me home, He was there with me. I see his fingerprints now. I see them in the people He sent to love on me. I see Him in that He changed my selfish perspective in life to becoming more selfless.
While the fear and sorrow has been great, I do have good news. My story isn’t over. I can now see that although I have been through the darkest sorrows, he pulled me through. I have reached some of the heights of joy that I never could have dreamed possible.
Many watched helplessly as they saw me spiral down like a airplane in flames. They keep on asking me how on earth I am still here and more joyful than ever? I can’t take any credit.
All I can say is it is G-d.
In my weakness, He has made me strong.
Through the fear, He makes me brave.
When I don’t feel like I am enough, He reminds me that I was made in His image.
When I want to lay down, He helps me get up and keep moving forward.
My scars are ever present. They are reminders of my battles of survival and victory, because I am still here. Only because He was with me.
For the first time in my life, I have a dream. I realized I want to be a Story Teller. When I share stories, I feel as though my spirit is dancing. With every word I sway back and forth and I dance with the words that have brought my heart alive. What’s even better, is watching others eyes light aglow at the endless possibilities of hope.
I have found where I belong and am loved well by many. I long to encourage others that they too can make it through the storms of life by one simple choice, G-d. If he can redeem my broken mess, He can help anybody. I long to share of His goodness and faithfulness. I long to help others know that they haven’t been forgotten and that their story isn’t over…
He has rekindled my loved for writing and reminded me that it’s okay to tell my story over and over again. He made me to be what I never knew I wanted to be, a Storyteller.
As the song continues:
“The mountain where I climbed
The valley where I fell
You were there all along
That’s the story I’ll tell
You brought the pieces together
made me this storyteller
Now I know it is well
That’s the story I’ll tell…”
What are you dreams? What have you struggled with that G-d has brought you through? Have you found that it was in your time of crisis that you found your calling?
I would love to hear your thoughts. Write me a message or leave a comment on FB! I want to hear your story!