When You are Ready to Throw in the Towel

It’s been a rough go in my body these past few weeks. I have been professing that I am being healed from this chronic illness that has been plaguing my tent for the last five years. I do believe that the Lord is healing me but my healing hasn’t been instantaneous, rather a process. As pain and nausea fill my body, I can’t help but feel my hope dwindling as I want to cry out in defeat.

The enemy whispers into my heart, “You were never healed you foolish woman. If you ask others to pray for you, they will think you want attention, or have little of your so-called faith.”

Chronic illness not only affects me and my family but also every relationship. I have been working tirelessly on being a woman of integrity and trying hard to keep my dates that I had planned. It hurts to have to cancel events I have been looking forward to and know that I have disappointed someone that I adore.

I hate letting people down.

I went up to my pastor for prayer. I seriously started to believe that I was too tired to go on. I felt like a huge burden to my dear family and just wanted to be free from this aching body.

I went up shaking and kept on thinking that I didn’t want to bother them, but I knew I needed to be brave.

As my husband gave them the backstory of what had been going on, his wife stepped forward and grabbed my hand. She looked into my eyes and gave me this passage:

“… until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.” Matthew 11:12 (KJ 2000 Bible)

Now there are many ways to read this scripture, but the way she explained it was those that seek out G-d are going to come into some mighty warfare. Instead of shaming me and asking what sin in my life caused this, she encouraged me with the truth.  She saw my faith.  She explained that the enemy attacks those who are faithful and tries to make them believe that they aren’t worth the fight. But in reality, we have to fight back to take what has been rightfully given to us.

At that moment I went from feeling like a helpless mouse caught in a trap, to a lioness ready to attack. While the enemy constantly bombards me with lies, I am reminded that all that matters is what Jesus himself said at the cross.

Jesus said, “It is finished.” John 19:30 (NLT)

This morning I woke up in great pain and sent out texts asking to pray for me. I was weeping as I felt this fear creep up on me of what I have gone through in the past.  Will I be able to keep homeschooling? Will I be able to eat normal again? Will I be able to stand firm and not be afraid and trust all will be well?

I know my G-d is full of mercy and grace.

He says to me, “When you are weak, I am strong.”

He never shames me for coming to Him worried, tired, and irritable. He loves me just as I am.

While I hate being sick in my body, it is times like this that I am reminded how much I truly need Him. It’s a gift to be reminded that my help comes from Him.  I know when I am feeling great, I tend to think I have everything under control.

It is in the trials and temptations of this world that we get to experience His grace and mercy in ways no human can explain.

I don’t believe He is giving me this pain, but I do believe that He will redeem it.

So when we all are at that point that we can’t take one more step for whatever is taking you down, let us remember that He is our:

Hope.

Peace.

Strength.

Protector.

Provider.

Healer.

Lord, I ask that you lift our pain today whether it be in our bodies or in our mind.

We ask for prayers and the help of others as we walk this difficult road to surrender to your will alone.

Please strengthen my siblings in Christ as only you can.  May you be praised in our tears and in our pain as we put our trust in you Abba Father. Y8CKB0O8C2

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5 thoughts on “When You are Ready to Throw in the Towel

  1. Your Pastor’s wife prayed a powerful prayer over you. God’s got you Kelly and He uses you! As I read this I thought of some of the greatest theologians that ever lived, and they had major health struggles and depression. Names like, Martin Luther, John Bunyan, John Wesley and Jonathan Edwards. I doubt they knew what an impact their lives would make for generations to come, especially when the enemy attacked them because of their weakness. But look what God has done through these humble, struggling men. I love your writing and your willingness to be vulnerable. Keep up the good fight my friend. When we are weak, He is strong. Love you Kelly!! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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