I will never forget the first time that I saw Pastor Ed Dobson preach.  We were going to Mars Hill and were sitting among the mass of people.  Our first son Elijah had passed away only a couple of years before, and I was really struggling.

Even though G-d had given us another son, a true answer to prayer, I still had so many questions and heavy guilt. I had often felt my faith wasn’t strong enough, and maybe that’s why our children had died.  We had prayed so hard, and He did answer, just not in the way we had hoped.

Watching my children die was the hardest thing I have ever endured.  To see them struggle for their last breaths and knowing there was nothing I could do.  This made me realize how fragile life is.

Their death’s gave me an eternal mindset, which is a good thing for the most part.  The down side was where I gave the devil a foot hold, the guilt and fear.

I was worried that I was going to die and not be right with G-d.  I knew that Jesus was my savior and that I couldn’t earn my way to heaven, but I still felt like I was out of favor with G-d.  I was stuck in a rut of my circumstances.  I wondered if this was a result of my own sin.

Pastor Ed stood up that day and spoke on the fact that fear and faith COULD co-exist.  At that time, anyone I spoke to said that if I was fearful, I wasn’t faithful. This shook me to my core.

Pastor Ed spoke candidly about being diagnosed with ALS and his wrestling of why he wasn’t being healed.  This all struck so close to home with Eli and Aurora passing away.  We had prayed, was I not faithful enough for them to be healed?

As he spoke with such honesty, I could feel the walls of my heart being shattered.  He went on to share his story of faith and struggle.  He didn’t candy coat it, or even come up with a perfect solution to wrap things up.  He was just, real.

I found myself crying with relief.  I know that I love G-d with all my heart.  I know that Jesus is my savior.  I also know that in this world that we will have trials and temptations, and sometimes we will overcome with blatant victory.  Also, sometimes we may feel pounded into the ground. (This is where I know G-d is the closest.)

While victory in every battle we face would be awesome!  I have found more times than not, as I pour deeper and deeper into the Bible; is that the faithful followers life is going to be hard.  After all, is it really faith if it isn’t hard?

Jesus has won over death, but we are still going to have troubles here on earth.  We know that G-d walking is walking beside us, watching over, and cheering us on.  Yet, a life a faith doesn’t mean we will go through it unscathed.

I am a Christian.  I am tempted, challenged, and I make mistakes on a daily basis.  It isn’t my strength that makes me victorious.  Rather it is, “the Joy of the Lord that is my strength.”

He is my protection.

My shalom.

My provision.

My strength.

My healer.

My joy.

He is my everything that I am not.

So after Pastor Ed preached, I went up and shared with him about my struggle about my fear of dying.  We were at a mega church, so I spoke as fast as I could and expected a one sentence reply.

He listened and took some time to respond.  I won’t share everything, but he basically said, “The fact that you are so concerned about where you are with G-d, shows how much you love Him.  You are seeking Him, and that is what a faithful person does.  You keep seeking, even when you are afraid….”

(Selah)

From then on I was hooked on his teachings.  Anytime he came to speak, we were there.  I loved it when he teamed up with his son Kent, they were amazing together.

I read his book “The Year of Living Like Jesus,” and was enamored at his hunger and thirst for seeking out G-d even as his body was deteriorating.

Little did I know that my body was going to come to a sudden halt. I entered into a 4 year heavy battle with sickness and I am going to be honest, it about took me out.  He had just written, “Seeing Through the Fog: Hope When Your World Falls Apart.”  This book helped me keep on going.

At that point I under 90 pounds.  I had lost 60 pounds rapidly and not in a good way.  I could barely do anything on my own.  I needed help walking and even getting dressed.  I was so scared and angry at G-d.  I felt I had been faithful, I had believed, and yet there seemed to be no great healing…

My Mother In Law suggested that I go and listen and try to talk to Pastor Ed for some encouragement.  So we did.  I listened as he shared about his frustrations with his body not working the way that he wanted.  He shared with such transparency that I hung onto every word, as if it were the food I had been so craving.

We were going to be heading to U of M for a possible feeding tube placement.  The doctors didn’t know what else to do and let it be up to me what to decide.  You see medical technology seems easy, until it was me that was having to endure the procedures, side effects, and long term effect scenarios.

I was petrified.

When he finished, I again walked up to him and shared.  I am still in awe that here this man himself was suffering, and yet he had so much compassion for all of those who are fighting for their lives.  He gave me hope when no else could.  He understood my pain and empathized like no other.  He made me feel like I mattered and acknowledged my pain was real.

I asked him about the feeding tube and explained my dilemma.  He just said, “Let that be your last resort…”  There is more to it than that, but those words stuck.  “Don’t give up, keep fighting.”

Pastor Ed won his battle on Saturday.  He had ALS for 15 years.  He left behind a legacy of what it is to be a true follower of Jesus.  The two brief encounters that I had with him, helped me get back on the narrow path.  He did what was instructed in the bible.  He gave others hope in the middle of his suffering.  He shared the love of our Father in heaven, and the need for Jesus.

My favorite part of what he left behind, was his honesty.  He didn’t pretend that his suffering was easy.  He showed us why we are supposed to be so transparent with each other.  When we are open about where we have been and what we have done, it allows for others to see that we are human.  That we need to hang on to G-d and trust that His grace is enough.  We need Jesus as our savior.   When we allow others to see the ugly and hurting side of our faith, it lends to opening a door of trust.  To see and hear of others suffering and still seeking G-d, that is what makes a profound impact.

To tell you the truth, it’s the people that have been broken in life and are honest about it, that I look up to and trust.  I know that they will be compassionate.  I know that their faith has been tested and refined.  I know that what the world deems broken, is where G-d is able to piece back to together and form into His likeness that is a testament of G-d’s miraculous power.

I am so sad that Pastor Ed had to suffer.  But he did it with such grace and dignity.  He left a path for those who are suffering, to let them know that they aren’t alone and that G-d Is. With. Them.

Pastor Ed’s life has taught me, that even in the midst of agony, we are called to help others.  No one should ever have to suffer alone.  We keep living each day, even as we wrestle, and press on…

If you are suffering, for whatever reason.  I urge you to check out the many resources that Pastor Ed Dobson left behind.  These are just a few that I have actually read or watched.

The Year of Living Like Jesus

Seeing Through the Fog

Or the his video series, http://edsstory.com/

I look at Pastor Ed’s life and know he was/will be a shining light to so many.  He was/is G-d’s faithful servant, and this world is a better place because of him.  May we all learn from his example, and give our best in every circumstance.  Who knows whose lives we will touch for the greater good of G-d’s kingdom?

May we all live each day to the fullest and encourage others to keep their faith, love, and hope alive.

Thank you Pastor Ed for helping me see through the fog.

Deep down in our core, we all long to be accepted. G-d gave us the ability to communicate with words and actions for a reason. When someone acknowledges us, it gives us a sense of joy and approval. We all have different love languages. The key is to find what language speaks to each person.

My love language is a mix of affirmation/words/quality of time.  Forget sticks and stones that break my bones. It’s words that hurt much more! Lack of communication drives me crazy. If I put in a call or send a message and I don’t get a response, the absence of words sets this girl on fire!  However on the flip side, a message returned, a compliment, or just sharing of someone’s heart/visit, makes my heart sing!

After being so sick, (to the point where I thought my life was coming to end) I had plenty of time to reflect.  I wondered what G-d would say to me when I stood in His holy presence.  I was worried I would face Him and He would be disappointed with me.

What I was worried about was, did I leave His mark?   Would people know how much I loved Him?  Would they say that they could see the love of Christ in my actions?  Would G-d say that I had loved others more than I had loved myself?  Did my family and friends really know how much I loved them? Did I let His light shine?

These were some of the many questions I pondered.

What I found in many of my memories was a deep regret that I hadn’t given more, because what if someone didn’t want it?

Maybe I wouldn’t have enough?

Or my outbursts of anger, because I had felt insecure and jealous.

The times I hadn’t spoken the very words that were on my heart when I felt an unction, for fear of looking stupid.

Each disappointing  memory I had, led back to fear and rejection. All that wasted time, I had taken the bait.

I realized I hadn’t been living the way that G-d had called me to all those years.  I was living in my own selfish desires and hurts. Fear still tries to hold me back.  Thankfully, this is something that G-d and I work on daily together.  He has been so gracious with me, which is more than I can say about myself.

I pleaded with Him that if He let me live, I was going to live each day like it was my last. I have experienced with my own eyes how quickly life can be taken.

Senseless tragedies happen around the world daily.  Some have been battling and illness and know that their days are numbered.  While others wake up and go into their day unknowingly giving their last kisses goodbye, only to never come home.

So how can we live each day like it is our last?  This is what I am learning how to do.

1. Speak life.

When you see someone who his down, be sure to step up to the plate and encourage them.  Whether it be in scripture or personal experiences, share with them words that have really helped you.  It may sound morbid, but we never know what the future holds and we don’t want to live life with any regrets.  We live in a world that is quick to point out your flaws, but hardly notices the good.  I am not speaking about flattery, but true sincere heartfelt encouragement.  We are told over and over in the bible to comfort others as we would want to be comforted. Words bring such hope.

People need to know what a difference they have made in our lives.  They won’t know it, if we don’t speak it.  Everyone needs to be reminded from time to time that they are important. I even compliment people that I don’t know. If I think something nice on my heart, I share it.  I have never had stranger say that I was stupid for complimenting them.  At first I felt awkward, but after seeing so many down faces turn into bright shiny smiles, it’s thrilling!

2.  Forgive. 

Yes, I know you probably want to smack me. Trust me, I have been there. I can give you every scripture on forgiveness, but I will simply state it.  Forgiveness doesn’t let the other person off the hook, it breaks our bondage. If you look at what Jesus taught us to do, it wasn’t to let the offender off easy, it was to bring freedom for us. In some scenarios I can forgive easily and be done with it.  Others, it’s daily and sometimes a moment by moment choice (not a feeling) that we have make. We may not be able to do it on our own, but with G-d, anything is possible.

3. Pray.

I also make sure to pray for every person that I promised I would.  Being a person who has lived on the prayers of peoples hearts, I know the utmost importance of this priceless gift.  Our words are so important, that all of heaven and hell are listening. There is a war for our souls and we must make sure that we do our part. How many of the prophets helped change G-d’s mind as they begged for mercy?  He answers our words!

Words are so important, that G-d spoke everything that came to be into existence.  Our words have power!

4. Give.

I am also learning the importance of giving.  There have been countless times in our lives, where G-d used people to help provide for us.  We couldn’t have gotten through those tough times, without the selflessness of others.

I am learning the gift of giving is also one of my favorites.  I used to be a tight ol’ scrooge and now G-d has transformed me by His hand (really, it is a miracle!) to love to give.  Whether it be money, time, a meal, or even resources  Share G-d’s love and truth by words and example.  It’s all bringing glory to G-d when we truly give of ourselves and expect nothing in return. It has helped heal my broken heart in being able to help someone else in their time of need.

5. Listen.

I have found  while people love encouragement, a lot of times they just need to vent. We all go through things and sometimes it’s nice not to have to pay someone to hear it!  In listening you may feel led to further be able to help the person in a tangible way.  Other times, just the act of you letting them know that they are important enough to be heard can speak louder than words. Especially I have found that the elderly, disabled, and the sick really appreciate this. Often these people do not feel valuable because they can’t contribute in the way they used to. When you have gone through a lot, there is wisdom to be shared!

6. Be trustworthy.

Knowing that we can trust someone, is priceless. While our words are extremely valuable.  We must also remember that when others share, their words are equally as important.  We must have integrity. Some of my most painful experience have been when I have confided in someone and they went and told someone else.

Unless someone is in great danger or they have given permission to speak, there is no reason betray their confidence.  Plain and simple, it’s gossip. We have all partaken of this toxic fruit and I am sure we all can agree, it isn’t worth it.  To be trustworthy and loyal leaves a invaluable example for others to follow. So zip your lips and be thankful that someone trusted you enough to share their heart, it’s quite and honor.

In a very dark world that uses words to shame, scare, and condemn.  Let’s use our words to lift up, give hope, and speak life.  Every word of affirmation that we speak to someone, squelches any flaming arrow of the evil one.  Whether or not you know it, it melts the hardened heart.  It brings joy to the broken.  It gives hope to the soul, and helps encourage to persevere for yet another day.

Let us live each day like it is our last.

Our son Elijah Praise.

We stood there in shock, sobbing. I can still hear the doctor’s frantically working, the machines beeping off. It was as if we were in a movie. All I could think was, this is not happening. This is a mistake. He will get better. Elijah has to get better.

Only this time, he didn’t.

I remember we held him for hours, sitting there in a daze. I just kept on talking because if I stopped, I knew it would finally all be over. The nurse told me it was time to let him go. Reality hit, he wasn’t coming home.There is zero preparation to lose your child. It all felt so surreal.

How could I leave him there all alone?

What happened?

How do I live without him?

What if he wakes up?  Maybe they made a mistake?

Was this my fault?

Please, don’t make us go home.

I remember going home and all his stuff was lying everywhere. Toys hastily dropped on the floor. His crib was empty. The house was so quiet. No more laughter, just silence.

Why, WHY?!

I looked outside to see people doing their every day humdrum moves and I felt numb. I remember crying myself to sleep, waking up and forgetting for a moment what had happened. Then I remembered, and the grief came over me like a tidal wave.

I still remember every detail. Most mamas like me do. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, they always remember. You can see it as they tell their story, they get lost in the memories as if they are time traveling to that very moment all over again.

Sadly, I am not alone in these memories. Many have walked this perilous journey before, and many have after. My hope is to bring comfort to those who have walked this path and validating each and every tear. I also want to bring awareness to the inescapable grasp of grief and how to bring comfort, to those who are in the thick of it.

I would like to offer some gentle words of advice in response to someone who knows what it is like to have one foot in the grave and one foot in heaven.

1. Be willing to step into the world of grief and stay.  When a tragedy happens people are willing to be there for the initial trauma, but later feel it’s too depressing and they disappear. G-d has been very kind in His design to allow a beautiful thing called shock to happen.  This protects our mind from the unbelievable. This can last for the first couple of weeks. They may appear to be handling things really well. However once shock wears off, the reality sets in. I think that is where I really suffered, after everyone went away and I was alone with my thoughts. It was hell on earth.
2. Let your words be few and just listen. I found people sweetly want to help make things better, but you can’t.  However, you can’t go wrong with listening. Some may want to recite every detail as their mind tries to process what has happened. Some may just cry, talk about the past, or just focus on something else.  Follow their leading.
3. Help out financially. What most people don’t realize is that the financial burden that happens when a child dies, is huge. Most people don’t have life insurance on their children, so there is the cost of the hospital, burial, time lost at work, etc.
4. Help by bringing meals/child care/groceries/laundry.  For us, it was nice not having to do the normal routine, because we didn’t feel normal. We didn’t have children at home at the time, so having someone help watch their other kids may be really helpful.  Meals, cooking, cleaning, etc.  Grief takes a lot of energy and is really hard to do even the most basic tasks.
5. Talk about their child. You aren’t going to make us cry any more than we already have been. We want to know that they will be remembered. Whether it be a story or something that reminded you of them, we want to hear it.  If they were an infant (maybe there were too little, or no memories), maybe even talking where they would be if they had survived, can be comforting.
6. Don’t ignore them because you are uncomfortable. I realize this isn’t an easy issue, but it’s worse for the people who have to live it 24/7. Call, write, stop by. Please don’t ask them to call you, because they won’t. The capacity is just not there. It’s not you that is being rejected, their minds just are in survival mode. This is so important especially months after. Grief does not have a time frame.  It can grab you at the most unexpected moment and throw you into a tailspin.  One minute they may be fine, the next, barely able to get through.  So check up on them!
7. Give grace. Losing a child is something most can’t imagine. Emotions are all over the place. Expect there to be tears, anger, doubt, and an array of many emotions you never expected to see. Especially be gracious during the holidays/birthdays/death dates. It is a lifelong process trying to live without someone who once was a part of you.
8. Don’t compare their grief to anyone else’s.  Really, I can’t stress to you how condemning this feels when people share that someone else had a similar loss and they are now doing great or they didn’t act this way. We are all different. Saying someone is doing great because they are smiling or can keep it together verses someone who openly sobs, is obsolete. Everyone will go at their own pace.
9. Pray. This is truly a priceless gift. G-d knows what each person needs, lift them up in prayer. Where you might feel helpless and don’t know what else to do, He can help bring peace and wisdom in ways we never thought.
10. Remember. I still get so excited when someone says my kids names. I love seeing their names written on a paper, ornaments, or when someone just says, “I thought of them today.” It doesn’t have to be a grandiose gesture. I see so many parent’s faces light up at the mention of their child’s name, especially years after.

When the unimaginable happens, know that you can be a light even in the darkness. Your compassion and empathy may just be the thing that helps your loved one get through another day. Grief is messy, there is no set checklist.  All I know is that love, patience, and kindness can go a long way. Sometimes, it’s so hard for us to understand G-d in the death of a child. However, He uses people like you and me, to be His hands and show His love and mercy.  So let’s reach out in our words and in our actions to help those who are facing the unimaginable.

Please feel free to comment on what has helped you or how you helped bring hope to others during a time of grief.

Courtesy of Mark Nickerson

Have you ever been on a walk where the fog hung in the trees like a thick blanket.  Everything started out so clear and welcoming, but with every step the path became less visible. The white mist distorts what vision lies ahead.  Doubt and fear start to fill your heart.  Am I supposed to go this way or is it time to turn back?

The answer is, keep going.

It’s easier said than done, especially when it’s yourself that is facing the great unknown.  Whether it be a leap of faith in a new job, relationship, or just the next phase of life; we have to keep moving.  For me I have struggled with my health, putting my writing out for the world to see,  the fear of rejection/failure. It isn’t pretty.  If I stay in this place to long, I easily succumb to depression and anxiety.

The big lie is that it is better not to try, for fear of failing.  I want to do things perfectly, to please G-d and to not have my life fall into shambles. Only life doesn’t work that way. G-d doesn’t work that way.

G-d doesn’t expect perfection from any us, rather he prefers us to rely on faith.  Whether you are at the starting line, in the middle of a trial, or and the end of your rope with desperation, that’s where He wants us to ask for HIS help.  When we stop getting wrapped up in our expectations of what we think we should be doing, it allows Him to show us where He want us to go.

I am writing this today because I often have felt awkward in this life. I have failed, been rejected, and it has paralyzed me with fear that left me feeling like a heavy burden.  When I have gotten lost in my expectations, dangerous emotions entangled me to the point that they acted as an anchor, dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean.  The more I wrestled the thoughts, the further I plummeted into darkness.

At that moment in the silence, hopelessness and fear enrobed me blocking out any true light/truth.  It is often then when it dawns on me to start praying (yeah, should have thought of that waaaaay before) and call out, “Father G-d!  Where are you?  Please help!”  When I throw my arms up in complete weakness, He rescues me with His might! He cut the chains that have held me in bondage for so long, and gave me freedom I never thought possible.

Whatever your circumstances, please hear me when I say, “Never give up!” You will get through this!  While today may seem overwhelming, your breakthrough could be just over the horizon.

So if you are feeling worn, broken,or just plain lost…  Know that you are on a path that is meant to go through valleys of darkness, hills of hope, and mountains of majesty!  As safe as it sounds, walking on a straight path of plains would get boring and we wouldn’t grow.

It’s easy to trust G-d when nothing has gone wrong, but then is that really faith?  It’s in our struggles and our failures where we learn to depend on G-d and see for our own eyes, His hand reach out and do the miraculous!

It’s amazing how we can believe the lies that the devil whispers in our ears.

You are a failure.

No one wants you.

You don’t deserve this.

he (purposely left lower cased for the devil) sings so sweetly and soothingly to our hearts.  We bathe in our sorrows, fears, and regret and it gets us nowhere.  Before we know it, we have been entrenched into a sticky web of self focus.

You say, “but you don’t know what I have done!  You don’t know where I have been!”  No, I don’t, but G-d does. He was with you all the while. How do I know this?  Because it’s as simple as a song my children sing:

Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so

Matthew 19:14(NIV) says: Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

While we all look at children and say, I wish I could be as trusting and carefree as a child.  G-d says we are to have faith like they do.  Are we overcomplicating our lives with worry and burden when the answer is so simple? Let go, trust, and keep moving!

Wherever you are in life, know that this is all for a greater purpose.  If we look at our fears and failure as a learning tool, instead of a punishment, we will be unstoppable.

Rejection, has taught us compassion.

Suffering, has taught us empathy.

Grief, has taught us how to love.

Joy, has taught us to rejoice!

Outbursts of anger, can humble us and teach us to learn the art of self control.

We are made in G-d’s image. Our emotions were created by Him. All our life we will face challenges that will test us. If we grasp onto His truth and remember that He redeems our messes, that in each trial of life, it’s a time to learn.  Sometimes we will knock it out of the park. Sometimes, we will fall flat on our face, and that’s okay. I teach myself and my kids, practice makes progress, not perfection.  Remember:

Never

give

up.

You hear it, “Ahchoo!!  Wheeze, snarf, sniff,  sputter, deep rattling cough!”  Forget about horror movies, this is the stuff that makes my almost deaf ears hear and my hair stand on end .  Or the ever dreaded, “My kid was throwing up all night, but here’s the pie I said I would bring,”(insert Alfred Hitchcock knife scene music).    I don’t want your pie!!

Gone are the carefree days of summer, where my favorite past time of swimming pools (fun and disinfectant all in one!) and play dates filled up our calendar. We already caught the plague in September and let me tell you, I thought of hunting down who ever left their cooties on my kids and making them pay with the vengeance of a… a…well something bad.

Today my kids had to go in for their well child appointment. The irony of this situation is comical. The one free visit from our insurance company, is the one visit of the year that my kids go in healthy and bring home da funk!  Oh, the humanity!!

I remember in my healthy days, I used to pop my medication pertaining to the virus I had and spread the plague like the pale horseman out of Revelation. I can’t even remember washing my hands after handling raw meat, picking up trash off the ground, or even staying home when sick, I just didn’t care!

I have had a whole lot of life that has happened between my son’s health and my own. If you hate getting sick, or you just want to do the rest of us a favor and help keep the world healthier, give these tips a try!

1. Wash your hands!! Simple but true!  Keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in your pocket any time you have to touch something that mass quantities of people have touched, or some “sickerson” insisted on shaking your hand. I dream of the day at church where we shake each others hands and anoint each other with hand sanitizer!
2. Keep your hands off your face and don’t put inedible’s in your mouth. You know, that pen you are chewing on, the one you dropped on the floor yesterday where Farmer Ted was standing… Need I say more?
3. Change your clothes and take off your shoes when you get home. This is a pretty simple method of making sure that anything you stepped in, sat on, or rubbed up against isn’t able to leave a trail of terror around your house. Germs can live up to 24 hours on surfaces and that even means clothes (Up to 4 weeks or longer if it is Norovirus unless cleaned with bleach, this will be the gift that won’t stop giving).
4. Gargle salt water.  After you come home from being in public, mix 1 tsp of salt with a cup of warm water, and gargle. This is supposed to cut down airborne sickness and help kill germs.  Anytime I have a sore throat, I will do this throughout the day. I found gargling to the tune of “Little House on the Prairie,”  gives a nice deep clean!  Germs can’t survive when salt is in the mix!
5. Saline rinse your nose. My sister hates this one.  She is convinced she feels she is drowning. However my son who has asthma, has really seen the benefit of the ancient method. It’s great for helping with sinus issues and colds.  There are several varieties you can buy that will do the trick.
6. Take a shower!  Some germs you can’t kill.  Being that I am short, I spend most of my time being in the “sneeze/cough zone.”  It’s so gross, and I have had people do it straight in my face and in my hair. So take a shower and say good riddance little germies!
7. Cover your mouth like a vampire!  Seriously, adults are the WORST about this!  A lot of these sicknesses could be prevented if people just coughed or sneezed in the crook of their arm instead of their germ spreading hands.  My kids have been taught early on, if I can hear it clearly, you didn’t cover well enough!  If done properly, it should sound muffled and we will all be so happy that you cared enough to protect us from the misery you are enduring!
8. Stay HOME!!  If you are really sick, don’t take your kids to the play grounds, family functions/ etc! I can’t tell you often I hear, “I know we should have stayed home but the kids were bored. They were looking forward to coming so much and I couldn’t say no.” Just say NO! It teaches them patience, compassion and consideration for others.  People with weakened immune systems would like to get out too! If you are running a fever, hacking, throwing up, or anything that results in, “This is horrible,” please for the love of Moses, stay home! We don’t want your plague!
9. Up  your vitamin C/Probiotic intake. My husband has several wedges of lemon added to his water. Great for vitamin C, digestion, and it puts a zing of energy in your day! Also probiotics are the only good bacteria we like in this household. We use supplements and Kefir (the champagne of dairy!) a liquid yogurt with many delicious flavors to try(although avoid Chocolate Truffle, because it ain’t).
10.  Make sure to wipe down all surfaces that are used continuously with disinfectants!  Especially if you have the pukey flu. Throw out tooth brushes that have been used during sickness ( The best $1.99 you will spend!). Viruses can mutate and you don’t want to keep spreading the” love” around.
11.  If you are sick, do not prepare food!! Stop right there Missy. It doesn’t matter if you signed up to bring the brownies, meatballs, or cheese dip. I can’t tell you how many FB posts start with, “I have been SO sick… Followed by, “Bringing the bean dip to the party it, should be tasty! ” No, no isn’t. People, we don’t want your infected bean dip! (Remember #8) Simply explain you have been sick and you will be the hero of the night.

Even if you don’t care or feel getting sick is not a big deal to you, it is to a lot of us out here. From babies, to the people battling life altering health conditions, to the elderly, we thank you!  The best gift you can give all of us this season, is the consideration of doing these extra steps to keep this world a little healthier.

So if you hate germs, sleepless nights by the world’s dirtiest porcelain, vaporizers with eucalyptus, mouth breathing, or paying your doctor just to hear he/she say “Ew, (long awkward pause) it’s just a nasty virus.”  Try out these simple steps and hopefully you can save those sick days for a nice healthy skip day!

Autumn Leaves
Courtesy of Mark Nickerson

Hayrides, apple cider, doughnuts, and running amok in an orchard, bursting with autumn colors!  It’s an image taken straight out of a picture. My kids have been giddy with excitement thinking about this field trip since school started. They made sure to get all their assignments in and waited with great anticipation!

I got dressed in my fall ensemble, complete with a bow. I made sure to get my hair curled up and makeup done with just a bit of sparkle. I was already to go, when I realized, I couldn’t…

I believe each day I am getting better and stronger. The healing is in process. However, I still wrestle every day with low levels of energy. Dealing with health issues is the last thing I expected at my age. Each day I have to try to reserve energy for what is most necessary.  Some days it works, while others..  While I am not where I want to be, I praise G-d that I am not where I was.

The hard part is when it involves letting down your loved ones, especially the kids. I called them in from playing outside and explained I couldn’t go. My son immediately responded, “But you worked so hard to go!”  His green eyes started to water and I could feel my heart sink to see his disappointment.

I went on to explain we had two choices: I could go, but we might have to leave after a short while. Or they could go without me and stay, and make sure that they got to enjoy the full benefits of the fruit of their labor. I adamantly reminded them how hard they had worked and how much I wanted them to experience this long awaited field trip. Just because I couldn’t go, didn’t meant they shouldn’t have fun!

There was a time a few years ago, I would have felt bitter for not being able to go. Now, I feel that the love of Jesus has taught me to truly be happy for others, even when I miss out. I am so thankful to have a husband who willingly jumps in to make sure our kids get to be kids! I am thankful my kids treasure each outing like it’s a trip to Disney World (boy would their minds really be blown)! I am thankful I am alive to get to hear all about their awesome trips and let them relive each detail by their creative minds!

I love that they can’t wait to get home to tell me all about it! What’s even better, is I can’t wait to hear their stories! I get so excited seeing them excited, it’s heaven on earth.

The thing about dealing with a chronic health condition is that it has really helped change my perspective about each day. I celebrate the good ones with great joy at what has been accomplished and given! On the not so good days, I choose to mull over where I used to be and how far G-d has brought me. I relish in the memories of the good days, because they keep me encouraged for what will be again.

I believe G-d is a kind father. He constantly allows me to change and grow from each life lesson. I was a very self focused woman, deeply wounded, and never feeling like I was enough. Now, as each day I take His hand I realize He has more in store for me than I could have ever imagine. I found that I love to give, G-d is healing me, and He makes me want to be more like Him every day. I am enough. Each day that I am forced to stay home, I get to walk out my faith. I can either be angry and offended as the world teaches. Or I can choose to find blessings in the quiet moments that I am allowed to be on this earth.

Life is too short to live in fear, condemnation, and regret. Every day really is a chance to see the beauty in every situation, and know, we are right where we are supposed to be. Whether we get to join in, or just be able to listen and live vicariously through others stories, it’s all so precious.

For me it’s been good to learn how to not be jealous, it’s a useless emotion that is toxic to everything it touches. Instead, I am learning the art of patience and self control and to really love to hear about others and celebrate in their happiness.  After all, this life isn’t about me. Instead, it’s about finding the good and lovely things in the deep valleys, the cracks and crevices of the road, the deep waters, that will lead you to contentment in what is.

Following the ways of Jesus isn’t always easy. I find it has tested me all the more. What I am finding though, is that with each root of fear, bitterness, envy, and heart break that is broken off, He heals.  Not only does He heal, but He transforms the shattered pieces into a beautiful display bringing glory to His name.

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns.  May we lay down the burden of expectations and rest in His promises that He will never leave us, nor forsake us.  Instead He gives us beauty for ashes.

I was pacing back and forth, borderline hysterical. How could he do something SO crazy?! On one hand I am praying for G-d to protect my son from needing surgery and internal bleeding, on the other I am thinking, He better protect him from me!

It started like any typical morning. I did our usual pep talk before we began our day at Nickerson’s Home School. I reminded them that Mom and Dad are going to need to study for our midterms, so we need to be extra efficient. Right?!

My eye’s locked with theirs. Their little heads bobbed up and down with agreement.  Yes, message has been received! I communicated lovingly and I hit a home run!  Score for Mom!

Not even one hour, ONE HOUR, had passed before my house of cards came tumbling down.

You see, I am learning there is NO such thing as preparation for young children.  Nope, they live in the moment. You can talk their ears off, set up schedules, promise cool surprises…  For the most part, they get pumped and as quickly as their balloon inflates; it is released and goes flying around the room and ends up a heap lying on the floor swollen from all the what could have been to, it’s not happening.

It all started with Literature and Comprehension.  My son loves to read and talk (A boy after my own heart), but hates to write. (Why?  How can he turn on me?) My mind can’t even comprehend the thought of not loving to write!  I am a writer!

I thought Narnia would draw him in and it did, until he was asked to write.  I have stated, reasoned, pep talked, pleaded, threatened, all in one day (One of many).  I found my frustration brewing into a catastrophic storm.  It dawned on me, my children will forever remember that I was going to college for a degree in ministry. They will tell the tale of the monstrous mother who blew a gasket at every little thing because she need more time to study Jesus!

Can we say hypocrite?

So I think aha devil, I am going to one up you and slap you across the face with a prayer of surrender! I will douse the kids in what I have learned from class and make a teaching moment out of all of this!  Yes, brilliant!

So I prayed, breathed, released, and calmly asked my son for his pencil.

He wouldn’t give it to me.

I stuck my hand out and fluttered it about in Mommy language which means, hand it over boy!

He still wouldn’t give it over.

I was puzzled. You see, he is my rule follower. He is brutally honest (wonder where he got that from, ahem) and will usually obey any direct command.

He has been known to nibble on an eraser while writing, and it dawned on me, he must have eaten the eraser! He is trying to hide the evidence!

I snatched it out of his hand and I lifted the pencil high!  I waved it in the light of day and said, “AHA!” He took a step back and looked positively guilty. Only, the eraser was intact.

“Huh?”

If the eraser is there, why the shame? What am I not understanding? My Mom radar was telling me a misdeed had been done, but where is the evidence?

Then I saw it, the metal band around the eraser was jaggedly sticking out!There is a chunk missing; my blood ran cold.

Perplexed I asked him almost sarcastically, “So you ate the metal band? Who does that?”

No response.

Fear has now just spread to every vessel in my body.

“You didn’t eat the metal band! It’s sharp!! It’s dangerous!!!” I reasoned with him, all the while hoping he would deny it. But he didn’t.

Words came out, they were not good. I will repent of them later.

I called my husband hoping he could convince me that there was nothing to be worried about. Of course he didn’t answer. He couldn’t talk me off the ledge!

Next, I called the doctor’s office. Surely they could put my mind at ease. We have had Lego swallowing’s and a pea up the nose emergencies before, and we were assured all would be well.

The receptionist answered. I cut the niceties and sternly asked for the nurse. I needed to talk to her, NOW!  All I could think of was this jagged piece of metal cutting my sweet boy’s insides. . If they know I am nervous, they will be nervous. When they get nervous, they instruct us to go the ER. I  don’t want to go!! The nurse answered, I played it cool but straight to the point. She instructs him to eat some bread and drink some water. Success! We are ALL good. (Whew)

She informs me we must clear it with doctor and chuckles. I get off the phone and give the boy what for and all the what could have been scenario’s. He cries. I cry. My daughter cries.

My husband finally calls back and I relay all the specifics. 7mm long and 4 mm wide jagged metal band. My normally cool as a cucumber husband says, “He did what?!” Panic surges through my body.

He sternly requests that I send a picture. This freaks me out because normally School of Seth says, don’t worry about it.  After all, it’s small piece of jagged metal right?

He’s baffled. Time to call his mom who used to be an Endoscopy nurse.  She is on the fence. I finally start to calm down and decide there really isn’t anything the doctor can do.  It’s so small.  I am not going to take him down to the ER so they can charge me $2,000 to say, he will pass it on his own.

My husband finally gets home and we agree to wait.  We decided to focus on what would be a fitting punishment for putting us through all of this.

The nurse calls back, it’s been three hours. NOW, she wants a plan of action?

WHAT? I thought we were in the clear?

She says we need to get him to the hospital ASAP.

Seth reasons with her that it will pass on it’s own.  She replies, “The metal could drag along his intestines and cause a perforation.  We don’t want him to bleed to death.”

We have to take him in.  I sob and hug my boy like it is our last.

He looks at me and says, “Don’t worry Mom, G-d is with me.” I cry harder.

They leave. I call and text for prayers. My friend prayed with me and peace starts to soothe my guilt ridden body. I hang up and continue pray.

While we wait, the minutes tick by like every one is an eternity.  Like most women my mind tries to assess the situation:

Is he going to need surgery?

It’s my fault, I made him write!

I am a horrible mother!

What can they really do?  The bill is going to be huge!

There better be something there!

No, I take it back!  Please let nothing be there!

The phone rings, it’s Seth. “They are going to need to X-ray, but probably it will be fine.  Hopefully nature will take it’s course and watch for bleeding.”

Relief spills over my body and I cry tears of joy and I thank G-d for answered prayers!  Now the boy better say his prayers because I am going to get him!

Long story short, he is home under watchful eyes. We will have to keep a close eye on him for the next three days. Thank G-d for now he is safe.  I can laugh about it now, but yesterday I was terrified. I love my sweet boy more than words ever can express. I would be crushed if anything happened to him. Losing our other children has made me prone to probably reacting more dramatically than the average parent. Poor kid has a mother hen sitting on him.  He never had a chance.

Oddly, the thought pops in my head, have there been any other pencils? The sad answer is, yes. There have been others. I found their mutilated little pencil bodies, they didn’t even have a chance.  Lord, have mercy…

What’s a Mama supposed to do?  Burn all the pencils? Therapy?  How about cheese Danish? Yes, that will help for now.  Till I get the bill…

Aurora Skye Nickerson. We thank G-d that she lived for ninety glorious minutes.

We held her for hours.  We talked to her, we sang, we just stared in the silence.  Finally, the nurse came in and said we needed to say goodbye.  I begged for more time.  They assured me it was in our best interest to let her go.  As soon as they took her, I demanded to leave the hospital.   Even though they had us in, “the quiet room.”  I knew mothers were with their babies and I felt like I wasn’t a mother anymore.

Our first daughter Aurora Skye, had been born on June 21st.  She was perfect in every way.  Her beautiful blond hair had natural finger waves, her skin was smoother than a petal on a rose.  She gave out two cries and then went silent.  I remember staring at her perfectly shaped oval fingernails, she looked so, normal.  3 pounds 11 ounces, and she snuggled in my arm so naturally.  I was convincing myself it was all a mistake and that she would live.  G-d had answered my prayers.  She lived for ninety

Later, the Neonatologist came in to check on her.  We looked at him with great hope, only to see him shake his head.  We knew. My head fell onto her tiny body and I began to sob.

She had lived for ninety miraculous minutes, but I wanted more.

We had been prepared long before her birth, that she would likely be born,”asleep.”  I prayed day after day, asking G-d to change His mind, to allow us more time.  She had no amniotic fluid, I could see the shape of her body on my small rounded tummy.

I went back and forth wondering if we should put up a nursery, just in case. My sister brought over her son’s cradle and let me borrow it. She probably knew it would never be filled, but had mercy on me.

It’s hard to explain to others what it was like being pregnant, knowing your child will never come home. When we went out, people would ask what we were having and when we were due.  I found myself stuttering as I tried to explain we couldn’t tell what we were having because our child didn’t have any amniotic fluid.  We had an estimated date but knew our baby would be coming early and probably wouldn’t survive.

Some days I glowed with motherly love. I adored feeling her kicks getting stronger.  She knew when my husband was going to be home before I did. My strongest memory was during one ultrasound. We were about 19 weeks along.  My doctor was a compassionate man and allowed me as many ultrasounds as we wished.

The tech had the wand on my belly. I am thankful Aurora was our first because we didn’t know any better.  Instead of seeing a smooth outline, we saw her skeletal body.  Seth loved to talk to her. He would crouch down by her and speak so sweetly. Each time she would stop fidgeting and hold really still to listen.  As soon as he stopped, we could actually see her jaw moving up and down. She was talking!  We thought it was a fluke thing and he tried again.  The same result; she would stop, listen, and then talk!  She had won our hearts.

Every step of the way, we got to see her slowly grow.  I LOVED being pregnant. I have never felt so whole in my life.

The worst day of my pregnancy was going to the funeral home. I was still pregnant. I felt horribly guilty planning her funeral while she was fully alive.  I remember sitting there and feeling her movements slow down.  She could feel my sadness.  I felt like a failure as a mother.  I just wanted to go leave and pretend everything was normal.  I went home and cried all night.

There was no baby shower.

No real nursery.

Just reality.

I share these things with you, not to make you sad.  Instead, I want anyone who reads this to take away the fact, that these little lives matter.  These small people leave a mark on our hearts that many can’t describe.  Their life starts in the womb, not after being born.  G-d sends them not to upset our lives, but to learn and take care of His greatest treasures.

What I LOVE about our G-d is that He doesn’t measure anyone’s worth by how long they live.  Instead, G-d measure’s His love by His standards.  He loves us all.  I don’t understand why things had to happen the way they did, but I believe that we only see a small part of a big picture.

Our children dying is not a punishment.  Each life is a gift no matter how long they are placed on this earth.  The weirdest thing to explain was the feeling that she wasn’t really gone.  Like they had made a mistake. I have spoken to a lot of people and this is a common thread.  You stand by their graves and await a resurrection.

I feel that is something that G-d puts in our hearts to remind us, that their lives aren’t over. It’s a knowing in our spirit assuring us, we will be with each other again.

While I fully believe our children are in heaven, it’s hard for us who have been left behind.   I have found throughout the years of our journey that, no mother forgets.  I can’t tell you how many times I go somewhere and once a woman knows my history, they open up about their losses.  Some are new to grief while others have carried it in their hearts.  It never ceases to amaze me when they open up and at the end say, “I don’t know where all that came from?”  Silently I think in my head, “I do.  You’re their Mama.”

Silently I think in my head, “I do. You’re their Mama.”

Thirteen years ago I wasn’t on FB or social media.  I would have thought you a liar to think years later, people would be lighting candles in honor of their little ones.  It sadness me that there are so many of us.  Yet, I am thankful we can unite and share of our heavenly children with great acceptance and awareness.  In a world where babies are literally being cast away, we stand and say, “They matter. Each and every single one of them.”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. To the world, it may seem foolish, but to G-d, it makes perfect sense.  I am forever changed by the loss of my children here on earth.  It is an ache that never goes away.  They are precious and I will hold them close to my heart until I am carried into heaven myself.  The true treasures in heaven aren’t gold, diamonds, and pearls.  I think the treasures are our loved ones, knowing that death no longer has a hold on our spirits.  Our loved ones are in the hands of our Father, and so are we.

Is today one of those days where everything seem to be stuck on fast forward?  Do you ever feel as though there aren’t enough hours in the day?  Do you ever just love the idea of closing everything down and living in The Berenstein Bear tree house?  Okay, maybe the last part is just me.

I miss simple!!  What you see is what you get.  I love the idea of having just enough technology to help us out, but not so much that it controls us.  Remember when technology was supposed to make our lives easier?  Yet it seems to have made things busier and harder.  Between the internet and the cell phones we are expected to be reachable at any hour of the day with a response in hand ASAP!

Think about it, even 25 years ago when you came home from work, your work stayed there.  One kid fought for domain over the phone and was kicked off within a half hour; to make sure the phone line stayed open.   TV had only a few channels.    If your show wasn’t on, you weren’t interested.  Everyone in the family had to eventually communicate, because let’s face it, you had nothing else to do.

Now we have cell phones.  Which means your bosses, co-workers, and the people that need you, can reach you at all times.   If people aren’t talking on the phone,  they’re on social media.  I can’t tell you how often I see people pull out their phones in the middle of a face to face conversation to check their FB account.  Their FB account!!! What’s worse is when they scroll through, looking for something while missing out on actual human interaction!

Seriously people,

put

the

phone

down.

Deep cleansing breath.

Don’t even get me started on the hundreds of channels and movie streaming options, just to hear kids say, “I’m bored.  I already saw that one.”  Tough.   If watching a rerun is the worst thing in your life, consider yourself  blessed.

The norm today is our children having  a full day of school, then shuttling them back and forth from sports, clubs, and events.  Some how dinner is always eaten on the go.   The countless trips back and forth with one kid going here and the other kid going there… Before you know it, the evening is over and you wonder, where did the time go?  Did I do everything I was supposed to?  Did I pay the bills to the correct payee?  Oh man, I forgot to get to the store!

Before you think I am throwing stones, know that I too battle the pulling in every direction.  We do home school, but it is through a state mandated program.  While I do teach, I have to answer to the teachers and follow regulations and time requirements.  I am trying to balance teaching my kids 8 hours a day, write, pay my bills, clean (yeah, not happening), grocery shop, try to remember to feed us, answer my emails/return calls, ministry/college classes, study for exams, field trips, church, family functions, bible study…  That is just the list I can think of off the top of my head.  Which means I am probably forgetting stuff, as usual.  In other words, every word I share is because of what I have observed or done in my own life.

What I am saying is;  could our families be overbooked and going broke trying to make sure that we have it all? Maybe we are missing something?

It’s called rest and peace.

So I decided to get back to basics.  We all know G-d created the earth and everything in it and on the 7th day, He rested.

Remember when on Sundays the whole town shut down?  You went to church.  Sometimes you hit up a potluck or just went home and ate a big brunch and took a long nap!  I grew up in smaller towns, but rarely were any stores ever open.  You would think you hit the jackpot if a gas station was open!

I miss those days of simplicity.  I have been determined to experiment and see if I would see any difference in my life, by giving one day over.

Since our schedules are so busy, we decided to find a 24 hour period where we just stop working.   We still cook and do the dishes, but leave all the cleaning, school, work, and stress off the burner.

At first it was really weird.  We found ourselves almost antsy with a need to work.   My mind kept going to all the things I should be doing.  However, as the day wore on we all became less snappy and more happy.  We watched a movie with the kids, we took a long walk outside, played in the yard, we spent time praying, and just resting.  It was better than vacation!  There was no itinerary, no pounding pace, just peace.

I will admit it, every time our day of rest comes, we find temptation to skip.  I have noticed on the weeks that we took a Sabbath, the rest of the week just seemed less chaotic.  I didn’t feel as frantic.   The best part, the kids count down to our Sabbath day with great anticipation!  I may even implement a no phone/internet day.  The more I have studied the bible, I am realizing that G-d has wired us to rest.   The King of the  Universe Himself, took a day to rest!!

In most parts of America, Sunday is no different than any other day.  Most stores and restaurants are open.  Events, sports, and even kids sports practices and games are now scheduled on Sundays!

Is it me, or does it seem that America is like the little child who ate too much candy and refuses to take a nap?  We all know how much lack of sleep reeks havoc on a small child.  We also know, that anyone around that child will suffer for their lack!

Know this, I am not coming at you in a place of condemnation.  I am just sharing what has given me great hope! Pray about what really needs to stay a priority in your life.  Then try the experiment for yourself and see how it works out for you and your family!!  It may take several times before you get the hang of it.  If it doesn’t work out one week, try for the next!

My hope is for all of us to walk in the victory that G-d has for us.  He longs for us to slow down and enjoy the very precious gift that He has given us, to love life! 

Go on and enjoy!!  I would love for you to share how this experiment worked out for you and your family.  Maybe you already do this and would like to share what you do on your day of rest.

11 years ago, we heard a cry that resembled that of a bleating sheep.  It was music to our ears. The delivery room was filled with people, and we all cheered!  He was here!  We had waited so long for this moment.  After 30 weeks of bed rest, experimental infusions, and whole lot of prayer he was here.  He had zero kidneys.

Elijah Praise weighed in at exactly six pounds.  This was the precise weight needed before the doctors would even consider doing surgery for peritoneal dialysis.  It’s shocking looking back now, knowing if he had even been an ounce under weight, his life would have only lasted a few days.  He made it six and a half amazing months.

Today, I am not going to focus on all the surgeries and worry.  Instead I want to write about the joy that his life brought to all of our lives.  Everyone used to say that he was blessed to have us for his parents.  I disagree.  We were the ones who were blessed to have him as our son.

He had the sweetest demeanor.  For all that he went through, I don’t remember him being fussy.  He had this way of charming everyone around him.  He had the most beautiful blue eyes and his daddy’s double-dimpled smile.  When he looked at you, it was if he was staring into your very soul.

He loved music, particularly John Denver.  Maybe I liked it more, but his music seemed to soothe all of us.  Looking back on his videos, when the days were good, we made them fun.  I can’t help but wonder what he was thinking.  We were fools for him, and loved every moment.

I started reading Winnie the Pooh to him only a few days after he was born. We made sure to have lots of books and show him all the colorful pages.  He loved his musical mobile and seemed genuinely surprised every time a new frame came around.  We prayed, sang, and wept over him.

Seth and I agreed after he passed, that we wanted him to be remembered with joy.  I took a lot of time openly grieving, for the very purpose to expose the reality of our loss.  Now that we have our kids we wanted to strive to remember our children with happiness.  We do this so that they will not be afraid to talk about them, be fearful of death, or feel burdened by their memory.

So far it has worked really well!  When they hit teenagerdom I might be singing a different tune.  For now, they love Eli’s day.  Being this year we have all been struck down with the plague, so we will have to wait a few days to do our usual celebration.  Even as I padded down the stairs this morning, I was greeted by two nasal voices squealing, “It’s Eli’s birthday!!  We are going to have root beer floats, and maybe go ….”  As they chattered on, I got so excited to see their excitement.

So here is what we do to honor our kids memories.  We talk about them.  I will be honest, the first ten years I cried a lot.  However I found talking about them lessened the ache.  I think a mother’s worst fear is her child dying. Her second, her child being forgotten.

We also try not to set a heavy standard.  That way if things shift or flex, then we aren’t disappointed (like say the flu bug from hades).   We do try to get out to the mausoleum.  Since this has been a way of life for our kids, they are not bothered by a cemetery in the least.  The kids love to make cards, sing songs, and yes, even dance.

Depending on how we are handling things, we pull out the pictures and movies.  I have loved having FB for this.  I tend to post a video and share my memories.  I love the likes and the comments.  The kids love showing their brother off.   We let the kids ask any questions that they want.  Every year they are be coming more inquisitive.  We always answer honestly.  Truly, kids are much more resilient then adults give them credit for.  Then, we try to go out to eat and talk about all the happy memories and what we wish he could be doing with us now.

Most people have cake on special occasions. We do something a bit different.  Elijah was on a special formula to balance his levels.  He wasn’t supposed to have anything but the formula.  A couple of weeks before he died, we took him to the mall.  We went shoe shopping and then headed for the food court.  I ordered an A&W root beer float.  We sat in front of the carousel and let him watch the ponies bob up and down.  He was mesmerized.  I scooped off  some of the vanilla ice cream and fed it to him.  He loved it!!!  I gave him a few more scoops of yumminess while Seth and I watched in amazement.  I wish I would have given him the whole cup.

Since he loved it so much, we try every year to have root beer floats. I know he would want us to think about his life and celebrate.  I say this for those of us who may be further out in our grief.  For those of you who are fresh in it, this may not happen for a while.  It took me a long time to get to this point.  Allow yourself grace and time.

I will tell you that some moments I do want to cry.  There is not one single day that goes by that I don’t wish he was here.  That’s a big misconception among people that time makes that feeling go away. It doesn’t.  We just don’t talk about it as openly.  I cry for what we had and for what could have been.  I have to remind myself that Eli would want us to live each day that he couldn’t, to the fullest.  He wouldn’t want me laying in bed all day and associating his name with pain.

Nope, not Elijah Praise.  When I hear his name, I think of miracles, prayers answered, and G-d’s kindness in extending us our son.  His life forever changed the way we look at life, and how brief it really is.  So when I think of all he could have been, I am quickly reminded, he was the best Eli we could have ever had.  He encompassed so much love and one day we will be together,  without all the tubes, and this time he can eat all the ice cream he wants.

Happy Birthday Elijah.  I am so thankful for every day that you fought so hard to live.  You will NEVER be forgotten and forever loved.

We put this montage together years ago, so it’s far from professional.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0VBbeP3z5Q